When I was younger I always thought that by the age of 30 I’d have my life “figured out”. Well, let me tell you.. I turned 30 last year and I feel more lost in life than I ever have before.
I’m not gonna lie, often I feel like I’m a failure, I honestly do. Deep inside I know it’s not true but seeing what others my age or younger are doing I’m like “look at them, look what they’ve achieved, how they make their dreams come true, make money, start a business, travel to amazing places.. and what are you doing?”
When I’m looking back upon my life I feel like I’ve started a lot of things but then went for something else, probably because nothing felt 100% right yet. Which it should, right? I mean, I’m 30, one would think that’s enough years to figure out what you want in life, what you truly want. Well, seems it’s not been enough time for me.
So far “careerwise” I’ve learnt an office job, worked in an office, quit that to go studying, got a bachelor degree in health promotion, got another office job, quit that to go travelling, attended a surf instructor course in Bali that I couldn’t finish and then went to Australia where I’m now on my third job and am basically just trying out all sorts of different things.
I just feel that everyone around me – online and in real life – seems to have this one passion, certain skills, this one thing they’re really good at.. somehow when I ask myself I don’t really have an answer to what my one big passion is and what my very special skills are. I feel I like so many completely different things that don’t go together at all. I’ve always been like that, not just with hobbies or jobs, I’m like that with other things as well such as music, fashion, places I’d like to live.. Sometimes I feel I’m like 10 different people and that I should have 10 parallel lives so I could go for all the different paths.
The other day I talked about this topic with someone close to me and opened up about this struggle and how it often brings me down and makes me feel anxious and he asked me why I even have to find this one job, to find this one clear path. He said that he knows people who’ve had all different kinds of jobs, who worked in all different kinds of places and seem to be content with that. And maybe it’s true, maybe there are people who are like that, who can’t settle for this one thing in life.
When I look around, a lot of people my age seem to have their “life together”: secure job, house, business, family,.. But then I think: So what, does that even matter? Shouldn’t the main question be: Are you happy with your life? Are you happy with your job, your partner, the path you’ve chosen? Or does it just feel comfortable and you wish you could turn your life around?
While I look at these people and admire what they have, I know a lot of these people look at my life the same way and wish they did what I do. In the end the grass always looks greener on the other side, I suppose.
One of my biggest fears has always been that one day I’ll die with a heart full of regrets, regrets for the things I’ve never done because I was too scared to go for it, to try something new, too scared leave my comfort zone.
I might not know much but at least I know that this is probably not gonna happen. I’m making so many different experiences, I’m making so many beautiful memories, I’m leaving my comfort zone, I’m making the most beautiful human connections, I’m loving with all my heart..
At least I can say I’m living and not just existing.